Captivating Retreat Day 1 & 2-ish - Unveiling Beauty

So, one of the core desires is to unveil our beauty - True Beauty - and it is THE core desire. This Beauty is essential and is almost constantly under siege by our Enemy. Yes, the battle is real. We're not told to put on our armor because war may happen and we want to make sure everything fits (Eph. 6.10-18). No, we are in it whether we like it or not and by accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior we are told that we will fight. Of course (just to calm our nerves), we do know that there is a happy ending - Thank you, Father God!

Anyway...back to Beauty...

What is True Beauty?

mercy

vulnerability

compassion

strength

tenderness

Now, don't think, "Oh, I'm screwed. None of that is in me. I must be the ugliest woman ever!"

Not true.

You do possess True Beauty because you were made in the image of God. We all were! This turns my thinking from hopelessness to hope! I am hopeful that all that I feel I'm not (merciful, vulnerable, compassionate, and tender) I can actually be and live out. I think I've always been good on the strength part. I know I can survive most anything and get through it, not unscathed, but through to the other end. As for the rest...yeah, a lot of work needs to be done in my heart, but a lot of work has been done in my heart since I accepted Christ.

When we accept Christ, we are not given an invitation to be a moral, good girl. When we accept Christ, we are given an invitation to have life, "and have it to the full" (John 10.10).

It is only in this abundant living that we can reveal, walk, and give a clear picture of the Beauty that God gave us as His beloved daughters. Everything else, without Him, just shreds it to pieces. Everything else tells us we're ugly. Everything else tells us we're weak. Everything else tells us we're worthless. Everything else tells us we're not enough. Everything else tells us we're too much. Everything else tells us that True Beauty, the feminine heart, is wrong.

"The thief only comes to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10.10).

This is putting my faith to the test, unveiling this God-given beauty. I have not been good in, again, any of those qualities with the exception of strength; however, I have an amazing, loving, strong man that God has placed me with and he needs me to let go of the control and let True Beauty shine! I cannot be his complete "ezer kenegdo" (I know, fun word, right?) aka "lifesaver". I want this, oh, how much do I want this! Pastor Husband needs this, my children need it, and I need it and Jesus gives me all that I need to be this - to unveil Beauty.

I'll end this with a quote from the book, Captivating:

"Jesus is extending his hand to you. He is inviting you to dance with him. He asks, "May I have this dance...every day of your life?" His gaze is fixed on you. He is captivated by your beauty. He is smiling. He cares nothing of the opinion of others. He is standing. He will lead. He waits for your response" (Eldredge, 218).

Captivating Retreat - Day 1 (some of it)

I've long denied the princess in me. I don't like the color pink and to think I needed a man was just a "weakness" I wasn't going to accept. To me, a princess, was a girl (not a woman) who was helpless, insecure, unable, useless, and just made a man work harder than needed.

I've realized that my princess perception is WRONG! So very, very wrong and my mindset was one of the many things causing dead space God and I.

If we're accepting the truth that we are God's beloved daughters then we have to accept that we are a princess...He is the King! What else would we be? I am a princess and that princess is built in us when God knits us all together. I see it in Baby Girl.

She saw the Disney princesses for the first time when she a little over two-years-old and you would think she found her long lost friend. It was as if this whole new part of her came alive that was lying dormant until the right secret code came along. That secret code came in a giant, twirling dress. Ever since then it's been princess dresses, fluffy skirts, princess stories, curtsy-s, dancing, singing - and I am truly delighting in her. She even calls Pastor Husband "My King" when he comes home or when Baby Dos Dragon is invading her castle.

I pray the princess in her grows with each passing day and that mine will begin to breathe again.

Back to what God's princess should be - Romanced, Irreplaceable, and Beautiful. This goes along with a woman's (not a man's at all) core desires:

• to be romanced
• to play an irreplaceable role
• to unveil beauty

Our core desire is not to just be useful! I think I fall into this role a lot. I figure if I'm volunteering at church, getting all my chores done, doing activity after activity with the kids then I must be living out my purpose. So wrong! Useful has nothing to do with your heart. The core desires have everything to do with our hearts. Everything. 

Back in the day, on any given Tuesday, to be useful was all I knew. I showed I was useful by working as hard as possible in school and at work. I was going to be known for how hard I work and that I was dependable and that nothing shook me. Obviously, being this way did not fulfill any of my desires (I wasn't aware that they were my desires) because I was more than irreplaceable - students come and go, employees come and go - there is nothing romantic or beautiful about an "A" or a promotion.

So, how do I figure out the desires or allow those desires to come alive?

Well, God is pursing us with intensity, passion, and mercy. Jesus has the power to awaken those desires. There is still hope to have all the hurt that has smushed, battered, locked up our princess and broken our desires into shards. Jesus heals, gives life to the full, and He has overcome the world, which has only given us perverted definitions of our desires.

Captivating Retreat October 2014

I was so so so lucky to be able to go to The Captivating Retreat in Colorado this past weekend. I've tried for three years - always get through the lottery part, but then it's either finances or nursing issues. Kind of hard to sit through talks when you got a baby crying to eat. This year though...this year was THE year and I was there!

I learned, epiphany-ed, prayed, and loved so much while I was there. Pastor Husband and I have talked many times about the "camp high" and whether this is a good thing or not. Should we dump reality during the high so that we don't think the high is reality? We've decided that camp high is and should be our life. Not to the point where we push away all responsibility and expect four hours a free time, meals made and served by others, and scheduled games, but that what is free to come from our hearts during camp should be what is always coming from our hearts away from camp. I definitely had the camp high during this weekend and I will pray every day for that freedom.

I want to share all that I took in for a couple of reasons:

1) Whenever you read a good book, watch a great movie, eat an amazing meal you want to share...well, the retreat was all that and more! It was that feeling I get after reading a really good book - I feel like I just ate the best Thanksgiving meal ever! I must share and my heart will not let me do anything else, but share.

2) It's the best way for me to stay with what I learned. I did the same in college. I wrote out all my notes and then typed them. Tedious, but then I had many offer to pay for those typed notes. I did the loving thing and said "No" :)

So, that's what I'll be doing for the next couple (few, four, several) posts. I'll try to write them out so they make sense, but it might just be a lot of one sentence gifts of wisdom. I'll also share the actual prayers/thoughts that I wrote out. This is me being completely vulnerable to the point where I want to hide under my desk, but it's one of the first steps to I need to take to "unveil beauty" (oh, don't worry, there's a lot of stuff under this session).

I'll begin sharing my notes in my next post and for now I'll share my pictures. Mostly outdoor, tree, nature, and even snow! pictures, but then that's what is fascinating especially when you live where there are no trees, only cactus.

Set-Apart Motherhood: Reflecting Joy and Beauty in Family Life - Leslie Ludy

I'm currently reading Set-Apart Motherhood by Leslie Ludy for an online Bible study. The book is fantastic and we're reading chapter three right now.

A few things I have learned:

1. God's pattern for motherhood is victorious, joy-filled, and beautiful (2)
2. "Productivity is not God's highest goal for this season of my life; obedience is" (16)
3. The joy of motherhood is not dependent on whether the house is cleaned, if Pastor Husband took out the trash and remembered to put a new bag in the trash can, or if kiddos are actually listening to me or not. The joy comes from "an abiding contentment and peace, no matter what challenges I'm facing" (18)

So, I'm trying. I'm trying really hard at something that seems like it should be so natural. I have to really fight against my natural tendencies and the patterns I grew up with and, let me tell you, I fail pretty much every day...BUT the failures are less explosive with each passing day. It's working. The focusing on God's pattern and consciously making the decision to choose joy over frustration, anger, impatience, tiredness, irritation, and all those other non-joy-filled emotions.

When I choose joy it's so much more fun - the time spent with my kiddos and other people's kiddos. On Saturday we basically had two sets of twins. Our friends were moving and their little ones are the same age as ours and it was interesting, but we had a good time at keeping four tiny humans alive all day. It was one of the few days (I'm getting more days thinking this) that I felt like if we were placed with a baby the adoption agency would not be making a mistake.

Here are some joy-filled pictures from the last few days of joy-filled motherhood moments!

Our Little Man

...is not so little. I realized this when I put up the pictures for his birthday timeline banner thing. He was a little baby man for maybe a month and then he just got big. He's just big. Not as big as Cousin Ponchito who turned one in May and is basically a man already, but Baby Dos is super big in comparison to his not-so-big sister.

Anyway, we took him to get shot...by a camera people!...at the park the week of his first birthday and they are so cute! If anyone is looking for someone who can do some of the most natural pictures of you, baby, family, events, etc., then give this lovely lady a call: Sara Lucero Photography. Gorgeous, all of her pictures and she's pretty dang swell herself along with her little family. Head over to her site. You will not be disappointed.

I loved all the pictures, but she got a sequence of pictures of Baby Dos going down the slide and I don't think she realized all that she captured.

Photo by Sara Lucero

Photo by Sara Lucero

Photo by Sara Lucero

There are sooooo many people who know and love our children. It overwhelms me every time when I think about all the faces that have smiled at them. There have been many hands that have held them and changed their diapers. This series of pictures portrays that it takes more than one set of hands to raise a child. For our children, consistently, it has been my hands, Pastor Husband's hands, and my mom's hands a.k.a. Ga. God's love is so present in these photos that I try to think about them during the times that I am anything, but content with the circumstances that are surrounding me.

Ga has been coming over every Tuesday since Baby Girl was born and she'll be three in September! When Ga is here Baby Dos doesn't even need me to exist so that's when I run around town doing errands, reading at Starbucks, or just getting stuff done around the house. I love that she was included in the photos because she has such a huge part in my kiddos' life. My sisters and I were raised super close to our grandparents and I am so thankful my kids are getting the same.

So, thank you Sara for the fun time at the park, beautiful pictures, and for finally meeting you and your precious family. Thank you all who have loved our children. Thank you Ga for being so present in their lives. Thank you Lord, above all things, for Pastor Husband, Baby Girl, and Baby Dos...and for Future Babes!

The Journey Begins

...and I think I know what the ending is, but then again, you never know.

I believe, the grand finale is when a child is placed in your home. At some point, that part does happen, right?

It's so weird...adoption. When you really think about it. All of a sudden, regardless of age, a new being is entrusted to you and yours. Perhaps a baby is easier than someone who has engraved memories. Still, you look at this child and think that you're completely changing their life as they know it or would have known it. Hopefully for the better.

I don't feel as if I'm being pessimistic or "morbid", but these are the thoughts I have when it comes to adoption and the adoption story that Pastor Husband, Baby Girl, Baby Dos, and I have just started.

Pastor Husband - who has better printing than I do - was hard at work filling out our adoption application two nights ago while I verbally gave him the answers. No, it wasn't a test, but it was definitely a test of our memories! My apartment number from ten years ago! Yeah right! Thank you Google, thank you Google. You are helping this adoption take bloom. After a lot of searching, mapping, and digging through public records online we completed the application.

We took the application to the post office this morning.

Even as I type, I feel a bit queasy. Quasi-morning sickness? It's so scary! Sometimes - honestly a lot of the time - I don't feel like I'm a good enough mom to the two we already have and someone may say I'm good enough for another?

We prayed over the envelope. Whatever the decision or baby or child or age or gender or color God is deciding. He may decide that we shouldn't officially adopt, but keep up our unofficial adoptions of our youth-turned-young-adults from before. I hope that in this lifetime we do adopt others in the same way that God has adopted my little family.

Because I'm a Pastor Wife!

So, I really wanted to start focusing on the life of a Pastor Wife, but I've yet to write about anything in regards to being a Pastor's wife. Why? I don't know...maybe I'm not brave enough or I don't want to sound like I'm complaining or make it sound like it's a horrible position. It isn't! It's actually pretty dang amazing!

However (and this is probably true with any type of wife out there) there are so many questions that come with being a Pastor's wife. One question that I constantly wrestle with and wonder if there really is an answer out there. I think it's also a question that most adults have...

Are you my friend?

Before getting married, having kids, and all that fun stuff I had friends and still have those same friends. It was just a natural thing. We either were in the same class, have known each other forever, went to the same church, and blahblahblah. Friendship. It was easy and there was no question with the exception of, "How did we become friends again?"

Now, it's so different. Maybe I'm just making it different? I'm not quite sure, but I always wonder if people are friendly to me because I am the Pastor's wife. Will we really be friends if we're in the same small group or is everyone else "forced" to like us because we're helping to lead the church. Did you really want to come up to me after church to chat or do you feel like you're supposed to?

Paranoia, anyone?

At the same time, I feel like being a Pastor Wife gives me the right away. I'm allowed to join whatever group, jump into any conversation, or invite anyone over because I am the Pastor Wife. Now, don't think I walk around feeling superior to all, but sometimes this way of thinking helps me to not be so introverted. Most Sundays I just want to hide in the very last seat in the sanctuary and run to the car once service is done. I don't do this and I remember what I've been called to be and I use that to help me talk to others, smile, and enjoy the company.

I guess, in the end, it really doesn't matter. We all get along - or try to get along - because we are all part of the body of Christ and our purpose is to love each other regardless of whether or not we are a Pastor wife.

"Treasures in Heaven"

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also," (New International Version, Matt. 6.19-21).

Well, moths and vermin did not destroy this place nor is this place actually destroyed; however, what it once was is now part of the past rather than the present. The church where Pastor Husband was the lead pastor has now passed onto another church. The church we were once part of voted to give the building to this other church and the name Pastor Husband and I, along with others, so believed in will be removed.

It's a good thing...a great thing, in fact, because the new church has drive, momentum, and people! The Kingdom of God will continue to thrive. It's not that we didn't try. Our little church tried as we pushed and pulled the few we had up the never-ending, steep, craggy mountain. Although, despite the struggle to push outside of our walls there was much love within those walls. I went through literal life-changing events within those walls and was witness to amazing transformations.

The church, as we knew it, was going to end. We knew it and it was just a matter of time. Then God put us all on different paths and provided us all with blessed miracles.

Now we are living abundantly versus barely surviving. I don't believe Pastor Husband ever stored his treasures in the church, the building, or even in the people. I believe he never lost sight of seeking God's kingdom first. I, on the other hand, was a completely different story. I had to keep reminding myself what ministry was all about - what life's purpose is all about - loving God and loving others.

I am excited for the new church and the stirring it may do within their city. I'm also sad because there were still a few there who have spent their entire life at the old church and now they have a huge change to get through and I just pray they get through it well. I pray they are able to give grace and mercy to the new church because this will be difficult. Change is never easy.

It is amazing...through all this change, I think, for the first time, I was able to detect God's hand rather than saying after the fact, "Oh yeah, I get it now. I see how You did this or that." There were still hard moments, but I don't think I had any doubt interfere. It was just my own personality that got in the way! Yeah...still working on that stuff.

Good Friday Photo Review

Happy Trails to Us!

I follow a few blogs and there have been a few Facebook friends who have moved within the last year, meaning 2013, and I've been a bit envious. Don't worry, God knows this and I've talked to him about it. I wasn't truly envious, my heart wasn't thumping to the little green monster's beat, but I just wondered what it was like to move a whole family to a new home where you plan to do life and raise the kiddies. Well, like I said before, God knows this and said, "Bam! Here you go!"

We're moving. In two weeks. Moving.

The process to get to this part went kind of slow and without any real direction, which is why the "Surprise, you're moving!" was definitely a baseball to the head.

Now, I don't know if this is the life of a pastor wife or just my life. I think, like Pastor Husband, most pastors want to find a church and make a home there. As much as I love the church we're at - only two Sundays left - but I also knew it wasn't forever. I don't know what this next church will be like...I give it all over to God. I  thought this whole moving thing would completely overwhelm me, but I pray each morning, as I think about what may or may not (more like not) get done, for grace and mercy to overwhelm me. Otherwise, my head would be gone, my children would be terrified of me, and Pastor Husband may forget he's married to me.

It's bittersweet. I'm excited to move because I actually enjoy packing and new places; however, I am going to miss the people. I "had" many children from this church - I always tell them I love them more than my own children because I didn't have to birth them. As Pastor Husband announced our goodbye our last five years of life flashed before my eyes.

I was looking for a church while I was at school, fully thinking this church would only be a school thing and I'd be back at my "home" church once I graduated. God had other plans. I was asked to help out and all these amazing teenagers punched their way into my heart and then the pastor asked me out on a date! We had our first alone-no-interruptions conversation in the sanctuary. We were betrothed under the same roof, Married. Pastor Husband announced from the stage when we were expecting Baby Girl and then Baby Dos. LIFE. Life has happened in that building...not just on Sundays either. I've had tears in my eyes whenever one of our kids were baptized or stood there and gave their testimony. I've met some of the wisest women. Women, I know, I'll never meet the likes of again.

God moves your life whether you want to admit it or not. You look back and remember the people that pulled you through, pushed you back up, and shoved you forward. They didn't get there by accident, my friends. The places and events. The glory goes to God alone.

"A Mother's Heart"

Last night we had a bbq with Pastor Husband's pastor mentor group. The group usually meets about once a month, just the husbands, and the wives - well, we see each other at certain conferences/workshops throughout the year, dinners, and then at the bbq to ring in the summer.

Baby Girl was our entertainment last night, but the thing that just hit me about our beautiful daughter is that she is truly a little walking, babbling, instrument of God that has been given to me.

We had the unique opportunity to pray over the couple's grandson, whose house we were at, before he left for a whole new chapter in his life. He was going to be on his way to New York (love that place!)! So, the big, bad (as in Michael Jackson "bad) group of pastor husbands stood around him and placed their hands on him. The wives, we sat where we were and prayed as well. I was actually in the kitchen area because from there I could still participate in our conversations and watch Baby Girl.

Prior to the prayer, Baby Girl had been running, literally, around the house, laughing, and talking up a storm. It was a special occasion so she got to eat some homemade peach ice cream. The sugar went straight to her head! So, she had been working off her energy as the adults tried to pay attention to each other in the living room.

Then it happened and it moved my entire world.

As I prayed and kept an eye out for Baby Girl, she came running by and no one said a word to her...on her own - actually, I think it was a clear direction from God - she walked over to the husbands praying over the young man and one of the pastor's wives was sitting within the group with her hands out. Baby Girl took her hand, looked over at me, and then bowed her head. She was quiet the entire time and glanced at me a couple of times. When it was over she resumed her running around.

It brought tears to my eyes. I am so thankful to God for giving us Baby Girl to be our manifestation of His spirit. I pray that we, as parents, are wise enough to be able to teach Baby Girl and to also learn from her.

Worship

There are some worship songs out there that are completely cemented in me. They are visceral. They bring me back - as music can do - to my newbie Christian days (even though I still sometimes feel like a n00b at times).

Some songs I will forever hear the voice of the worship leader from my "first" church home. I call it my "first" because I did attend a few other churches growing up, but this church was definitely the first church I could ever call home. It was where I committed my life - heart, body, mind, and soul - to Christ. Anyway, our worship leader, not that his voice was super unique, but it was his voice that taught me Christian music. Popular Christian music of 2007, you could say. I will always remember thinking, "How does everyone know the lyrics? No one is even looking at the screen!". Well, I soon learned that the songs are sort of on repeat as the Sundays go on. That's how...repetition, but in a good way.

There are two songs that will always, always, always bring back to me my "first" (same church here) Pastor's wife. The first First Lady I've known. She was and is a mentor, my mom, my friend, and (though I didn't know at the time) a model for who I hope to be as a Pastor's wife. One song, "Everlasting God", brings back images of her just dancing away. She loves this song! The other song, "How Great is Our God," I can see her signing the song. I don't remember all the signs for the lyrics, but I do remember - though faintly - the sign for the lyric, "The Godhead three in one".

"From the Inside Out" and "We Must Go" has me wonder what next great adventure a lovely friend is going to go on next. She LOVES Jesus in that radical way that sometimes I wish I could outwardly exhibit. She epitomizes those two songs and I always remember watching her worship and being completely swept away by it.

All these songs and more bring back many memories of happiness, tears, a new life, and of people who have come and gone, but they all made huge impacts on who I am today. They have all proven that no, you cannot do life alone. They prove that Jesus puts just the right people in your life to help you grow, cause you to grow, or - even at times - force you to grow. I am so thankful to them and to God for never letting me wander on my own.

A WAY Too Early Quiet Moment

I've been up since 4:30 a.m. No bueno.

I've had this tight knot feeling at the top of my stomach. My stomach has been not happy this whole week. On Wednesday it (I) discovered food poisoning for the first time, which is just oh so much fun, and my stomach hasn't been the same since. There's a picture going around on Pinterest:

Right above the belly button, that's where my stomach has been hurting since yesterday. This picture drives me crazy because it doesn't just say "Shouldn't have had that third bowl of ice cream" or "Those ribs, yeah, they were bad" or "Playing paintball without padding was a stupid idea". No, right away it tells you that you're basically dying of something. So, what should I choose? Ulcer, Indigestion, Pancreatitis, Gallstones, of a hernia? Indigestion is the least of these so I'll pick that one for now. I'll let you know if I decide on another ailment later.

Moving on...other than the food poisoning lesson I learned this last week, I also learned another and that is, "Trust the Larger Story". There has just been some things happening within my little family unit and then then I received my monthly "Ransomed Heart" letter and that's exactly what it said:

"Trust the Larger Story" (John Eldredge).

So many things, events, tragedies, planned or unplanned happen in our lives. At one point I felt as if my life changed upon the changing of the hour BUT we can either let those things become your main focus, you can be engulfed in the drama, OR you can remember that despite any one thing that may occur YOU are still asked, invited even, to be part of a much larger story. It definitely puts life in perspective, gives it that push to keep moving forward, and softens the heart. Your heart, which is asked to love others even when they are doing the exact opposite to you. You can't have a loving heart if you're letting crisis determine your course.

One thing to remember about the Story is that there is the guaranteed happy ending. No worries on who prevails. We know the ending, "God wins!" as I've heard many pastors preach. The heartbreaks, tragedies, catastrophic events that felt endless - all that pain is gone. All those tears - gone. All that weakness - gone. All the hurt - gone. You have lived out your part in His Story and now, your ending, has you basking in His presence. You are now where you were originally meant to be this entire time.

...this was a longer post than usual. Thanks to those who kept on reading! I appreciate your time and if you would like click on that follow button to the side. It's fun to get to know others that way. Be back on Wednesday!

A Quiet Sunday Morning Moment

For the first time Pastor Husband's alarm went off this morning and I actually knew what day it was and why the alarm was going off. It's nice to wake up and not be completely confused.


Ecclesiastes 5
Stand in Awe of God

1 Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong. 

2 Do not be quick with your mouth, 
do not be hasty in your heart 
to utter anything before God. 
God is in heaven 
and you are on earth, 
so let your words be few.

3 As a dream comes when there are many cares, 
so the speech of a fool when there are many words. 4 When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow.5 It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it.6 Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. And do not protest to the temple messenger, “My vow was a mistake.” Why should God be angry at what you say and destroy the work of your hands?

7 Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God.